IN THE station I spot a Mouth of Truth machine, that’s as sinister as the carnival gizmo that does Tom Hanks over in Big.
You remember Big.
You stick your hand in a slot and it reads your fortune.
As I walk away, reading my little printout of pithiness, I can’t help thinking the Mouth of Truth hasn’t really reached into my soul, and, y’know, seen the real me.
I decide to test my theory by asking my publicist friend Stacey, who on Day 31 got to run my life, what fortune she would predict.
If this hunk of metal is the Mouth of Truth, Stacey is the Mouth of Truth Nobody Wants to Hear But Probably Should. Apart from being a music publicist, which means it’s her job to recognise bullshit at 20 paces and predict which journalist is likely to run a damning, but hilarious, pull quote, she’s got a hard-nosed approach to doling out advice.
She’ll say things like, “He didn’t like you enough,” three minutes after you’ve just been dumped and are still rolling around on the floor/clawing about for a reprieve. I mean, girls just don’t say that, do they? They’re supposed to enable you and watch you waste away for at least six months, by providing all manner of implausible excuses for someone’s behaviour and suggesting ill-advised inroads to reconciliation.
Stacey’s different, in that she’s adamant people need to hear the truth. She insists that, just like Mary Poppins, she delivers hers with a spoonful of sugar… “Only sometimes that sugar needs to be forced with a fist.”
Anyway, here are the results.
MONEY
Mouth of Truth: Your middle age will be rich in happiness, material benefits and personal satisfaction.
Stacey: Your middle age will be full of mortgage payments, sex on tap with the same bloke and people constantly asking when you are going to have a baby.
LIFE
Mouth of Truth: You’re full of vitality and people admire you for your love of life.
Stacey: You have adult ADHA and don’t suffer fools gladly.
HEALTH
Mouth of Truth: You find it difficult to lead a healthy, well-ordered existence.
Stacey: You prefer to live life, than plan it.
LOVE
Mouth of Truth: Jealousy and envy are always lying in wait to threaten your relationship.
Stacey: If your man ever looks at another woman sideways you will obsess about it while he sleeps.
Keeper? I like the fact that I have a friend I can rely on to tell me the truth. And plenty more I can go to when I want lying to.
Hey man, now you're really living 
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