DAY 58: Learning The Secret

28 Oct

“Everything happens for a reason.” OOF.

“It is what it is.” OOH-YAY.

I’m as vague as the next old dear, but even I need a bit more direction than “throw it out to the universe” as a roadmap to run my life.

Still, according to the Oprah-endorsed The Secret by Australian Rhonda Byrne, everyone from Plato to Shakespeare to Beethoven to your next-door celebrity Scientologist is in on a magical formula to get everything you want, so I’d better jump onboard quick-smart.

The Secret is essentially the law of attraction: visualise brilliant things happening to you and those brilliant things will be helpless to resist speeding towards you, like “iron filings to a magnet”.

A quick email around the office instantly conjures up three copies of The Secret, although everyone groaningly insists their copy was pressed upon them by some chump. Sure. I take one down to the beach for a peruse – not for an extra spiritual experience, but so nobody catches me reading it.

Opening the book at random, P59 explains how to visualise yourself thin. Even though you may have stuffed yourself stupid on a Greek fatfest the night before (see Day 57), “food cannot cause you to put on weight, unless you THINK it can.”

You can also think yourself well and think yourself a million bucks. Don’t be anti-something, be pro- its positive opposite. And don’t resist! I’m confused, though… how does ‘visualising’ what you want differ from ‘fantasising’, which I’m already doing every waking minute? All that’s brought me is a tendency to not hear a word you’re saying.

Look, maybe there’s something in this. A ‘positivity can’t hurt, and people around you seem to prefer it’ sort of something. When I was a child, home life was a cacophony of tuts: Dad’d get started and Mum would fall in, and now we’re all at it. On trips away, tension would do a Mexican wave around the car at the bloody unfairness of it all, whatever that was.

“Are you sure?” Mum had a tendency to ask doubtfully of any great idea, before forecasting impending doom. Hence my current constitution: C’mon life, you bastard, give it to me with both barrels – you know you want to.

So anyway, let’s see what we have here.

Funny – I’ve always been told I’m NOT the centre of the universe, yet here on p46, within a jolly metaphor about Aladdin’s lamp, it clearly says: “You are the Master of the Universe, and the Genie (that’s the law of attraction, or the Universe) is there to serve you.”

I’m advised to “place an order” to the Universe by writing it out on a piece of paper in the present tense.

Step two is to believe that it’s already mine. I guess I already do this when I go shopping. I look at a dress and imagine myself parading down the street wearing it, looking fine, with my hair bouncing around. Talking of which, this afternoon at the hairdresser I plan to visualise my hair looking glossy and brown, despite having previously bleached the fuck out of it.

Of course, The Secret does have itself a get-out clause. You’re to believe with “complete and utter faith”. So I guess if you don’t get the hair you wanted, your faith was lacking. You infidel.

That’s essentially it, although there are about 200 other pages. It’s pretty repetitive. I’ve written my thingo down, so I’ll let you know how I fare.

Keeper? Can I really expect positive results when my fingers are itching to type out cynicisms for your delight? (“Come on, you fucker,” I snap, when my predictive text turns “fuck” to “duck” while writing this entry on my phone.) I am doubting my commitment, which means I’m doomed to fail. How convenient.

I come from here, Rhonda. Do you really think the universe can be arsed?

2 Responses to “DAY 58: Learning The Secret”

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  1. DAY 287: Making a vision board « Hey man, now you're really living - June 19, 2011

    […] goals for decades, but ever since self-help gurus like Oprah have been peddling that nebulous “law of attraction” (probably the most bankable phenomenon in recent years), the art of pasting pictures of things […]

  2. Vision boards: a slippery slope « The Snake Oil Skeptic - December 22, 2011

    […] goals for decades, but ever since self-help gurus like Oprah have been peddling that nebulous “law of attraction” (probably the most bankable phenomenon in recent years), the art of pasting pictures of things […]

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