DAY TWENTY-TWO: Learning not to intimidate men sexually

MEN are very fearful of me, but I don’t know why. It’s like, they like me… but then as soon as I put the moves on them they run away like little girls.*  I decide to ask Flirt Diva Sue Ostler what the hell I’m doing wrong.

CASE STUDY 1: I’ve been out to dinner with this well-known hornbag a few times. I have to assume by the fact that he keeps asking me out that he fancies me — only he never makes a move. After our last date, at which he tells me he’s single and hints of his prowess in the sack, I text him and suggest he puts his money where his mouth is next time. He agrees lustily… and then disappears off the face of the earth.

Flirt Diva: This hornbag has displayed all the traits known officially as Running Scared. Botttom line, “don’t talk the talk if you can’t walk the walk”. And as a man who’s used to swinging his willy around town, I suspect he needs to be in control – and that means calling the shots. He’s not ready for a ballsy woman. He can’t handle it. You’ve intimated the bejesus out of him. He needs to man up. He’s not man enough for you. And deep down, he knows it.

CASE STUDY 2: A drummer (for shame) is flirting with me at a festival and it’s all going great guns (until he shows me a pic of his grandchild and I gasp: “I didn’t think you were THAT old”), but I totally fail to make a move, despite what I interpret to be meaningful eye contact. Days later I email him and express my regret at not having kissed him. I don’t say anything graphic, but I DO leave a trail of dots at the end. And we all know what THAT means. He does not respond.

Flirt Diva: There you are dishing out shag-me-senseless-smiles one minute, and rendering him impotent the next – what did you expect? You don’t suppose that recoiling in horror when he showed you the pic had anything to do with it, do you? And while it was ever so kind of you to express your regrets via email afterwards, not to mention the saucy dots at the end… let’s face it, he ain’t convinced. Newsflash – he’s a drummer! We are talking a LOT of testosterone, not to mention ego. He’s not going to take the risk of being bitchslapped by your rash impulses and unpredictable wily ways any time soon. He sees trouble with a capital T. He’d rather step away with his dignity intact than face the disease commonly known as “must-blurt-out-every-thought-I-think” that’s hardwired into your nervous system. Frankly, he’s too old for this shit.

CASE STUDY 3: Okay, I’m actually seeing someone in this instance… I think. We roll around for the first time; it’s great. The next day he texts to ask how I’m going and I respond in a lewd manner. He texts back: “Maybe it was the olives you ate last night.” I mean, what the hell? Surely one cannot come on too strong AFTER one has already done the deed?

Flirt Diva: Hah! You’ve met your match. He’s playing you like a finely tuned mandolin. You had a roll around and it was great, so what does he go and do? He displays the classic trait commonly known as: “treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen”. And you fall for it like a proper little ingénue. He’s got you right where he wants you. Frankly he expected more of you; so did I for that matter. Where’s your fast and feisty comeback?

Keeper? What, me? No, apparently not.

* I even have this effect on other people’s men, as I discovered when I illicitly sent a rude message to my friend’s boyfriend from her phone, purporting to be her. He shut her down.