I’D thought that the Pancake Parlour was a great Melbourne institution, but now that I ask around, turns out nobody’s been.
Even the bloke at the till, when I excitedly explain this is my first visit, rejoins that he hadn’t been in one till he started managing one.
If you still haven’t been, here’s a summary.
PROS: Nice fonts. Newspapers to read.
CONS: My lunch deal pancake was only two bites big. Expensive.
Keeper? Okay.
SHELLAC is a revolutionary new product! But only for your nails. It comes in colours like ‘Fedora’, ‘Red Baroness’ and ‘Negligee’. I plump for ‘Tropix Pink’.
The salon’s in Chadstone, and Jenna paints, then ‘cures’ my nails three times each under a UV light. This takes some time, and we discover our common ground is that we would both quite like to go to the new Pancake Parlour across the road later in the day. But not together.
The new Shellac treatment is designed not to chip or be chewed off. In fact, it’s only removable with acetone – normal nail varnish remover won’t make a dent. After a couple of weeks you’ll start getting regrowth of your nail showing underneath, so you’ll be obliged to go back, get it removed, and try ‘Negligee’.
Keeper? Yes. Great if you’re a dentist, a washer upper, a gardener or a grot.
The ladygarden needs a bit of a groom.
GENTLEWOMAN photographer Lee Sandwith comes to my humble country abode to take some pictures for her forthcoming project of debonair tattooed people lounging around in their natural habitat.
Since I’m a country girl now, I’m captured squirting cream onto Baker’s Oven scones and looking wistfully over my white picket fence.
Keeper? Yes. There’s a forthcoming exhibition. Squeal!
I’VE always been tempted to respond to email spam, but common sense prevails. Then I get this one, and common sense concedes now would be a great time to hit reply.
From: sefrou100@hotmail.fr To: ti_gr_esa17@hotmail.com Subject: re: Date: Mon, 11 Jul 2011 09:26:44 +0000
OMG how have u been? I know we havent chatted in a while! totally my fault.. this computer im using freezes all the time. i have tired ot email you a few times with no luck.. ach! sooo sorry.. so whats been up? i am finally moving near you in a couple days.. i hope u didnt forget me? its me amdison lol.. in case u DID forget, we met on ms or cl not long ago.. so im gonna be living right near you and i dont know ANYBODY OMG SHOOT ME! i have my uncle and aunt there but thats not the same.. so can u show me around? help me find a job lol.. i get there next friday late afternoon.. im gonna nee dyour cell number also..ps – im recently single too so u can take me out and show me some real fun * wink wink * hahahha! so anyways im soo nervous about moving. its a load off my back that im gonna know someone there though. so i am happy we met online hehe 🙂 I am hoping u dont have a girlfriend.. i am not a big fan of drama and stuff like that so just tell me if u do..SO I kinda think we should chat a little bit more before we meet. just to make sure we are not awkward and stuff. although i can talk forever about anything with anyone lol. u will notice that right away when we meet. so are u free friday to help me move some boxes and stuff? i hope so 🙂 since i wont know anyone maybe u could also introduce me to some of you friends? are they nice? i am cool with gurls and guys lol.. guess u could say i am bisexual but whatever what girl isnt these days..so back to YOU mister… remind me what u do for work? for fun? what are your hobbies and what do you like sexually ? we have so mucht o get ot know about each other in such little time lol! as i mentioned i recently broke up with my ex. we were together for about 6 months but there was too much drama and my friends and fmaily hate dhim. he had no job and was quite disrespectful.. was also pretty lousy in bed.. i like foreplay and he always just wanted to go right to sex.. at least get me wet first ya know? selfish idiot. anyways so i feel free again now that i am single but i do kinda miss having that special someone to cuddle with ya know? so ur probably wondering how come i am moving right? well its a long story.. basicly i am broke for starters.. add to that the fact that i need to go back to school AND the fact that i ned a fresh start and there u go.. so i am gonna move and hopefully solve all 3 of those problems, the most stressfull one is my debt. 4 August.–Still fog, which the sunrise cannot pierce, I know i owe 8k on my visa ewwww. also i am trying to help my sister pay off her tuition fees also so shes counting on me. Speaking of which, do you have any good hookups to help me find a job? i would LOVE to be a bartender or somehting like that where I can make tips. I think i have a good look for it plus I am SUPER friendly. so here is some random stuff about me. i love star gazing, the outdoors, porn, foreplay, massages, the internet, shopping, doing my nails, sex, cooking, and watching movies. when it comes ot guys i just want someone who treats me the way i deserve to be treated. i can be such a good girlfriend and a total freak in bed. i am up for just about ANYTHING sexually.. serioulsy 🙂 As for my current job doesnt pay that well but coming from where I lived it was my only real option. I am sure I told u about it but if i didnt i really hope u dont look down on me for it and can accept me for who i am. See I do this webcam thing where I basicly get paid to chat to people on cam and tease around a bit. I know its not the most MORAL job out there but i am desperate for money and its pretty easy money. i wanna get a real job though and thats another reason why i am moving. The job suits me cause i like tlaking to people and i am quite dirty minded so its the best of both worlds and i get paid for it hehe.. Anyways here is what i was thinking.. since my computer SUCKS and its hard for me to chat by email or instant messenger.. why dont u come chat me at my work site? i can totally get u in for free.. i have 2 free passes a month to share with whoever i like.. i havent ever given any out but i dont mind giving u one as we totally need to chat before i move. see you can login as a customer but ill give u a special link where u dont pay or get billed anything. its a special vip backdooor link… this woudl be the best palce for us to chat cause i am online all the time now trying to save as much money as possible for the move..also i will kick any other chatters out when i see u sign in. does this work for u? i understand if ur not cool with it.. i kno theres a lot of scammers out there so if u dont wanna chat there then i guess ill email u in a few weeks when i get my internet all set up in the new place. although i woudl really feel more comfortable chating wiht u before i move.if u do decide to come chat me online then u have to PROMISE me that u will not share the vip link with anyone.. for any reason.. its for YOU only baby i am trusting u.. once u sign in we can chat and u can see me on webcam also 🙂 if u have one u can go on too.. oh la la hot.. and of ocurse u wudnt pay me for it ur my friend DUH! I am trusting u not to abuse it though cause once u sign in u can watch ohter girls naked for free too and i wudnnt want that.. YOUR EyeS BETTER ONLY BE ON ME hahahahha!! unless of course we watch them together 🙂 week is quite enough to dine with one’s own relations. In the second place, whenever I do dine there I am always So i am trusting u.. so u can trust me.. the link is at the bottom of the email. remember not to give it to anyone under any circumstances! i am online right now if u wanna come chat now.. its dead in here.. please come 😦 also.. u obvioulsy need a cc to sign into the site but thats just to prove u are not a minor…it says right on the vip link that its free since u are vip and u wont get billed anything.. ok im getting off here now.. im waiting for u baby. cant wait to see u and meet u and hug u and kiss u.. ciao for now.. xoxox —-> localchatcamconnect . com/free (take out the spaces obvioulsy heheh)
Such effort! It borders on poetic. It is to go rewarded.
Using one of my more suss email accounts that I started up for suss usage only, I email Madison back. (I discover her name is Madison and that she is an ‘acquarious’ when I visit her website – just for curiosity’s sake, you understand.)
Hi there
It’s so good to hear from you! Tell me, did we meet on Christians for Bible Equality? Your name seems familiar, but my head’s like swiss cheese since the accident!
I know what you mean by your ex. Mine always wanted me to pretend I was asleep whenever we made love, and if I complained he’d put a pillow over my face. You’re better off without him, girlfriend.
Absolutely I will be happy to help you move your boxes – any friend of Jesus is a friend of mine.
Jenny
Keeper? Possibly this is not the end of it – I’ll let you know.
I’VE a tendency to keep a Things You Should Know (But Will Probably Pretend Not to Hear) script in my back pocket, to pre-warn new suitors of the calamities to come. Or maybe it’s so that they can enjoy a full appreciation of calamities that’ve been.
Anyway, I might only drop the odd clanger here and there, perhaps in a quiet moment on a Sunday afternoon drive, but that script’s always close to hand, and is accountable for any sudden black moods.
So I decide to get it out of my system once and for all and throw myself a full-blown Pity Party, complete with balloons and fancy drinks.
Being an impromptu event, only my friend and neighbour Helen can attend, which is good, as I need to utilise her fire-pit. Helen adds an extra dimension to my Pity Party by being so piteously hungover that she can’t get out of bed and has to moan encouragement from under the doona.
Outside, I get a cracking fire going and put up the balloons. I’ve made a list of ‘bad stuff that’s happened in my life that’s worse than stuff that’s happened in yours, surely’ and put each whingement into a red envelope.
Thar she blows.
Each one gets read, sealed and tossed on the fire, never to be mentioned for effect again. The envelope with the biggest burden bloats up in the flames, turning from red to silver, then crumbling into ashes.
The rain, which has been gently spitting, steps up its game when the last envelope has flared up, and puts out the fire.
Keeper? No.
I’M so crackered in the lead up to my last day at work that I google “things you can do in your sleep “ for today’s entry.
I have no choice actually, because today’s entry was supposed to be Getting a Hairdresser To Show Me Different Styles, but I fall asleep in the salon chair while the whole shindig is going on.
My google search suggests sleeping is a good time for learning. Memorise a list of new words before bed, it says, and you have more chance of remembering them.
I put a Facebook call-out for new words, and receive:
Extirpation (the surgical removal of an organ)
Abrogation (abolishment by authority)
Struthious (relating to an ostrich)
Sprauncy (fancy, showy)
Aphotic (a body of water without light)
Dasypygal (having hairy buttocks)
Knismesis (a light tickle, like the sensation of bugs crawling on your skin. While looking this up, I discover I have hypergargalesthesia)
Hypergargalesthesia.
Sleep spindles are bursts of activity as you slip up the slinky staircase to slumberland. They’re identifiable as rapid zigzags in brain scans, often following muscle twitching. Cells in the thalamus and cortex are communicating, and new information passes into permanency. The same process happens as we start to wake up — so an alarm bell can cut off a portion of spindle activity, decreasing our ability to learn.
Unsurprisingly, I remember the words with more interesting meanings: struthious, sprauncy, aphotic, knismesis, and dasypygal (although the latter is remembered as ‘dasphguhuphg…’ because I didn’t figure out how to pronounce it in the first place).
In fact, despite having an adventure dream about the IRA, I wake up at one point and declare: “Sprauncy!”
Keeper? Yes; this could come in handy.
THANKFULLY I overcame a brief infatuation with energy drinks last year (You mean I can literally just drink this and then feel 75 per cent more agitated? Cooool), but I can’t resist trying the new kid on the block: ESC.
ESC is an anti-energy drink, if you will. It contains valerian and chamomile, with the intent of fixing you a ‘zen state of mind’.
The other ingredients are sugar, fructose and sweetener though, so it’s as much a crock of crap as energy drinks, and has much the same effect: sharp mood swing, followed by a crash.
Keeper? Sure, why not.
JOURNOS are always getting things wrong.
I’ve come to this alpaca fashion knit shop in Elsternwick to pet some alpacas, as advertised, like, all over the internet, but it turns out they live at a mill out near Ballarat and only visit the shop on a Sunday lunchtime.
It’s not a totally wasted journey though, as I do learn a new fact, which is the woman behind the till can’t own an iPhone like me, because apparently it would interfere with her pacemaker.
I also get this finger puppet so that I don’t leave empty handed, and so that the woman behind the till doesn’t feel guilty.
Keeper: I’d still like to cuddle an alpaca, if anyone can arrange.
I WAS having what seemed like a reasonably normal (for them anyway) phone conversation with someone, and somehow I moved them to say: “I’m sharpening my Gerber knife right now as I’m talking to you.”
Keeper? Not sure.
Australia 2012. It's okay, we're friends.
Hey man, now you're really living 
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