Hey man, now you're really living

I'll be the judge of that.

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ALWAYS in need of guidance, I put out the call for toilet wall philosophies I can live my life by. I’ve marked in red the ones the most pertinent ones that I’ll have to tattoo somewhere on myself in Latin.

Here we go.

Make every decision knowing it could be your last – Stacey

If you look like you should be in a band, be in a band  – Michael

Everything in moderation; especially moderation – Helen

Never let fact ruin a good story – Stacey

Clutch and Henry Rollins are the only religions worth following – Stacey

If you fuck it, you fix it – David

Never eat anything bigger than your head – Rick

They who hesitate are lost – Ben

You can’t turn shit into strawberry jam – Libby

This too shall pass – Libby

You’ve only got one shot, do not miss your chance to blow – Eminem (via Cheryl)

Try everything but line-dancing once – Mr Doman (Although, I can actually line-dance, for shame)

Design your own life based on what you’re about and who you are – Miss Kimberlina

Mama is always right – Cheryl

Keep on movin’, don’t look back – Lou

Whip it. Whip it good – Jessamy

Be kind. You never know when you’ll be applying for a job from that prick – Lou

The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience – Atticus Finch (via Cheryl)

HTFU – Cheryl

Change the things you can and accept the things you can’t – Jacqui

Stand for something or you’ll fall for anything – Mikey

Shit ALWAYS works out – Mikey

All truly great thoughts come from walking (or shitting) – Mikey

Ask yourself: Is that a helpful thing to think? – Esther

There is only one thing worse than being talked about. And that is not being talked about – Oscar Wilde (via Jessica)

Always remember, ITS NOT A KIDNEY! (Based on the premise you’re not delivering organs for transplant, so relax) – Lani

If at first you don’t succeed, retreat quietly in case anyone sees – Sam

Walk softly and carry a big stick – Tal

Winning may not be everything, but losing isn’t anything – Ben

Always better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven’t. This is also true if you replace the word ‘thing’ with ‘one’ – Alexis

You’re a fucking rapper, fucking rap – music mogul Lyor Cohen (via Mikolai – “I feel this quote can be applied to any career path / occupation / thing that you say you do”)

Sometimes your knight in shining armour is a retard in tinfoil – Mikey

If at first you don’t succeed… perhaps failure is your style – James

Life’s a joke: you either laugh or you don’t get it – Michelle

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy – Michelle’s mum

Never believe your own press – Tal

Repent one day before you die – Tal

A bloke in a country pub once said to me, “I don’t need to believe in God because I believe in me…” I’ve used it ever since – Brendan

Don’t try and solve serious problems in the middle of the night – Tal

Just do it (great marketing slogan) – Lara

Life’s too short to drink bad coffee – 65 Degrees

Less qq more pew pew (means less crying more killing things in computer games) – Tiger

It will get better – Sam

The time is now – Sam

Remember, no matter how crap your life is, there is always someone worse off than you – unless of course you are that last person, which would really suck balls – Mike

My dad mentioned when I was about seven: “A dirty mind is a joy forever” – Mike

Try make at least one person smile every day. If you can’t do that, think of something that makes you smile once a day. If you can’t do that, then shut the fuck up you miserable bastard and stop ruining it for everybody else – Mike

The more it scares you, the more obliged you are to do it – Tamara

Respect the apostrophe – Tamara

When life gives you lemons, grab some tequila and have a party – Quirky Gal

If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all – Lou

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people – Eleanor Roosevelt, (via Lou)

How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it – Marcus Aurelius (via Volk)

Keeper? Yes.

Add your pearls of wisdom in the comment box!

At one stage in deepest, darkest winter, every time I passed beneath this big tree on the home stretch, something inside would crumple and I’d have a sob till I got to my front door – at which point I’d pull myself together for the sake of the rabbit. It was like some strange sort of Enid Blyton phenomenon; like its branches were a magical portal between the daytime and way-past-someone’s-bedtime. It got to the point where I’d light a cigarette just before I got to the tree, so that I could at least have a nice fag while I was sobbing.

Hang on … let me just wait for this wave of self-pity to pass… (fans face)

Today on the way home I decided to sit down under the tree and wrench the headphones from my ears.  There was a strange low moaning from the branches – and no, it wasn’t me. “Loam … loam” it sort of went. I picked out four different bird songs, and the late-afternoon light did quite moving things I will not attempt to describe here. I don’t reckon there’ll be any more wailing beneath the tree. Particularly now daylight saving has come into play and the curtain twitching will be in full force.

Keeper? Yes, will dust off a book on birds.

View from the tree of another tree I'm quite partial to.