I HAVE a new email account and I’ve decided I will not be tarnishing it with any kisses or hugs. Kisses and hugs are nice in real life, but in emails they’re a drag, an extra layer of code to interpret.
Whether it’s the PR chick you’ve never dealt with before, or the girl who was abducted by a taxi driver in England, and confounded police by putting an ‘x’ at the end of her I’m-about-to-be-murdered text, it’s all a bit of a minefield. Take these examples:
“Okay, Jane is a Continental ‘xx’ girl, I’d better reciprocate with two.”
“John is unlikely to get this joke unless I place a winking emoticon here. But will he then look down upon me?”
“Last time I didn’t exactly mirror Molly’s ‘xoxoxox’ she responded with one fewer ‘xo’. I followed suit, until by the end of the conversation we were down to ZERO. Whatever happened to Molly, anyway?”
And it’s not like you can’t be nice without using an ‘x’. By the same token, you can use an ‘x’ and be a passive-aggressive pissant. So it’s nothing personal, okay? I’ll squeeze the life out of you when I next see you.
Keeper? Yes. If people can’t tell I’m being nice, I’ll just have to put heaps of exclamation marks in.
Hey man, now you're really living 
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