This didn't happen.
A FEW days ago, my brother – who used to teach children and so is a wealth of this sort of information – told me that you can coax earthworms to the surface by tapping on the grass until they poke their heads up. Birds achieve this with their feet when they do that curious bandy-legged dance across your lawn, to mimic rain.
Today, by some curious coincidence, there is a jackdaw stuck down the chimney of the house I’m staying in.
When bits of grass, pans of water and cajoling in a simpering voice fail to coax it down, I go out onto the common and tap the grass to procure a worm. I can’t help picturing the adulation that’ll abound when I stroll back in with a wriggler, like the Steve Irwin of Middle England.
Twenty minutes later, I call it quits.
Keeper? No.
While you're here... look at this!
Hey man, now you're really living 
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