DAY 46: Analysing my co-worker’s handwriting

WHEN I read Michelle Dresbold’s Sex, Lies and Handwriting, it really got inside my head – to the point that I dreamt that I was staring at the scribble of a guy I’d started seeing and it was fraught with warning signs. Then again, my own script marks me as a sexual deviant with a vicious temper, which is unfair.

Anyway, not many volunteers come forward when I decide to try out Michelle’s theories, but co-worker Ben agrees confidently to submit a sample. I lift a couple of pages from his notepad to see what makes him tick.

Size: Ben’s scrawl is not exactly shy and retiring, even if it does stay within society’s boundaries (that would be the lines on this notepad). “When the middle zone is overly large—” and I’m saying it is “—the writer has a tendency to be childlike and self-centred,” says Michelle. “It is difficult for them to delay gratification. What they see is what they want… right now!”

Angle: Leans forward slightly, meaning Ben leans towards people and his “actions and reactions are based mainly on feelings.” While that can manifest itself in friendliness, he could also be a needy, impulsive chap who has trouble holding back his emotions.

Baseline weightings: Some writers emphasize the upper zone – that is their upper loops and extensions are more prominent than the lower. Upper zone writers tend to be abstract, fantastical, flighty ideas people, while lower zone types have “an oversized need for material, physical or sexual gratification”. Ben’s is dead centre, which means he thinks with his gut, worries about his social and practical needs,and is concerned with day to day matters. Like his hair.

Gaps: Gaps in the upper zone are the terrain of hypochondriacs and neurotics, while broken lower loops suggest sexual trauma or dysfunction. Ben has gaps in his middle zone – check out those ‘e’s – but I have no idea what that means.

Curves or angles: Ben’s curvy writing suggests he is open and nurturing – which makes sense, as he has a photo of a baby stuck to his computer. However, the excessive curving suggests he is a strangler. According to Michelle.

Signature: The ‘x’ in Ben’s signature signifies a need to cross oneself out, a self-destructive urge. Ben, you’re in the company of Nixon, Bonaparte and Hendrix there. And me.

So there you have it: generally speaking, a nice guy, with the odd urge to throttle you and drink himself stupid.

Keeper? Yes, but in secret – like when you try and get a bloke’s starsign out of him without letting on. Feel free to send me your samples for a private consultation.