DAY 147: Eating curious things

25 Jan

My haul.

COR, I’ve never seen so many junkies in one place. There must be some sort of convention on.

Victoria Street is crawling with the shifty buggers today, all moving in that peculiar, sphincter-clenching gait that’s native to the area. No wonder all the shopkeepers are so impatient with me on my quest to eat curious things.

“How would it be fresh if it was kept outside?” one snaps at my request for durian fruit that isn’t frozen. He stops just short of pushing his tongue into his chin, spastic-style.

Next stop is a bubble tea. Kiwi snow shake bubble tea with jelly, to be precise. Jelly that takes you by surprise when it shoots up your straw. Then there’s a packet of Aloe Vera dessert and a can of grass jelly drink; ingredients: grass jelly, sugar, water. Simple. The woman scoots my change across the counter at me with a frown, so as not to touch my hands.

I take the haul back to the office. Half an hour in, I’ve consumed so much sugar-water, I’ve probably developed thrush. I’m keen to get onto the durian though – a fruit so legendarily stinky that in many Asian countries there are signs banning it from hotels and other establishments.

With the cellophane on it smells like over-ripe mango, but the moment the cellophane comes off, an offensive whiff gusts into the office and clears it. It’s bad, all right. A bit of rotten eggs, a bit of blue cheese, a bit of je ne sais quoi. As soon as it’s in my mouth, I lose the smell, but it adheres itself to my teeth like putty.

Keeper? On occasion. I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied with a drink without jelly in it again.

DAY 146: Picking up domestic skills at the Kyneton Museum

24 Jan

THIS is what I learned in the kitchen of this old goldfields bank in Kyneton – a town to which people in their middling years retire to play lawn bowls and potter:

* If you wrap a hot, carefully wrung-out napkin around sandwiches and then put them in a cool room, they won’t go stale.

* You can sponge stains out of silk with water you’ve boiled potatoes in.

* If you run hot water over plates you want to put in the oven, they’re less likely to crack.

Keeper? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

DAY 145: Helping actors act

23 Jan

IT’S an oppressively hot day, and Ezekiel Ox is looming menacingly before me in a funereal suit. He exhales a plume of cigar smoke and says softly, “How do you kill someone twice, cockhead?”

I gaze back into his pitiless eyes, shaking. That’s on account of the boom mic I’m holding above my head, which is tons heavier than expected. If the vibrating furball bobbing above his nose isn’t putting him off his lines, my grimace should be, but Zeke – an actor and band frontman of much notoriety – is a professional.

I listen to him emote through his lines, mentally urging him faster. Ohcomeonohcomeonohcomeonohcomeon…

“And cut!”

Blockhouse Blues and the Elmore Beast, written and directed by Ross McQueen, is a tale of two bumbling goons who accept a job to kidnap a schoolgirl in the hope of impressing a local gangster. Of course, all goes horribly wrong.

In the scene we’re shooting in a suburban back garden, bumbling goons Paul Cousins and Nathan Strauss (look, I’m going to jump in and point out the latter is ‘Jason’ from that RACV ad, because I reckon we all need to get it out of our system now before the film comes out) are starting to feel they’re in over their heads.

The scene calls for a sunset, so the director of photography, Nicole Cleary, gets me to help her attach a barn door shutter to some antiquated lights, to which we then apply orange gel – essentially thick cellophane. She artfully arranges the lights inside and outside the garage and voila: the actors are bathed in a hazy glow. Jeez, it’s not exactly hi-tech, though. I’m wondering what she’ll get up to next with a couple of toilet rolls and some sticky-backed plastic. “It is like primary school art and craft,” she agrees happily.

Fiddling at the barn door.

Having worked through the roles of boom operator, grip and gaffer (I think one involved moving a light and another involved plugging it in), it’s time for me to be the clapper.

On set, the guys are all discussing the porn version of the film – Blockhouse Blueballs and the Elmore Fist – which’ll no doubt come out in a few years. “We probably won’t have worked since this film, so we can all put our hands up to be in it,” Zeke says, in band banter-mode.

“Zeke, can we get you blowing smoke as you go past?” the director interrupts.

“Up your arse? You’re going a great job, man.”

And… action!

My clapping needed direction.

Found this on my camera later, amongst other stuff.

 Keeper? Ah, the camaraderie of a film set (when the raging egomaniacs aren’t in the scene). This was pretty inspiring.

DAY 144: Gouging eyes and kicking groins

22 Jan

I’VE only been in one street brawl, with some dude my boyfriend totally failed to hit.

I stepped in, the dude punched me back, and after a bit of a surprised pause we just took turns whaling at each other outside Camden Town station, like it was some bizarre courting dance. In the end, I won the taxi cab of contention, although I had a bit of help by that point.

Anyway, turns out I was punching all wrong, so the guy must’ve been being polite. After today’s contact combat marathon, I know how to use all parts of my hand for maximum impact, and how to use someone’s head like a bowling ball.

Krav Maga focuses on the ‘soft bits’ of an opponent’s body: chiefly groin, eyes and throat, and teaches you to steam straight through the target, so that if you’re doing it properly, when you withdraw your arm you should have eyeballs stuck to the ends of your fingers and a trachea dangling off your wrist.

Over four hours I’m hit and kicked so hard and relentlessly on the pad I’m holding by a series of damp and deadly serious male students, that it’s a bit like being attacked. I have to keep reminding myself I’m not being attacked. Although, I am. We’re told that as well as mastering these moves, we should turn anything we can into a weapon (stabbing with a biro is “completely legal,” our instructor says with some glee) and employ simple cunning – the instructor mimics begging for her life while delivering a swift kick to the nuts.

A formidable woman, she explains that she’s been stomped in many street brawls (must ask her where she lives), and has even been stomped since she became a black belt at various martial arts – because her training amounted to nothing when she failed to raise more aggression than her attackers.

To this end we’re told to find our “inner aggression”. This could have turned into an awful drama class assignment, but as it happens the couple next to me have been stroking each others backs and sharing the odd kiss throughout the morning’s kicking and punching, so by focusing on that I muster the necessary rage.

Keeper? Need a bit more wrestling time, I think. (Cracks knuckles)

DAY 143: Deciding whether the countryside is a) sinister, or b) non-sinister

21 Jan

MY country town is hosting Wake In Fright night, promising games of two-up (a lie, or today’s header would have been more concise), a barbecue and as much West End Draught as you can drink.

Wake In Fright encapsulates city folks’ fear of country towns; a fear I’ve tended like a bonsai tree. Released in 1971 and filmed in Broken Hill, it follows a schoolteacher (looking unnervingly like Bindi Irwin) who drunkenly gambles away his train fare to civilisation and becomes trapped in his own nightmarish benders and prejudices. It’s famed for its drinking scenes (drink of choice is West End, back in the day when ring-pulls sliced your fingers but gave a satisfying splurt of beer as they did so) and the lengthy roo shooting footage.

When I moved to the bush in a surge of head-for-the-hills adrenalin, the local paper was rife with stories of shadowy men driving around spotlighting roos and leaving their carcasses in plastic bags at the side of the road. Why? the paper rumbled, in between columns on jam-making and fetes. Fucked if I know.

Those first few months on the land were fraught with such paranoia. The local cab drivers seemed suspiciously chatty (when not lapsing into long silences); there were plenty of reed-choked creeks to casually lob bodies into; gunshots went off near my house; mysterious skid marks criss-crossed every road; and endless white utes drove slowly past. And they shoot rabbits, don’t they? I expected to round the corner to my house every evening and find a wicker man built in my honour.

The trees by my house sneak closer whenever you turn your back.

Mine is kind of like a starter town for treechangers, though. I mean, it’s got two IGAs and a train line and it’s featured on Getaway. It even has Target Country, which sells slightly less fashionable garments than Target. This place has got too much of some stuff – French glassware, candles, quilts, lattes, picture frames – and none of others, as if it caters only to the poncing visitors it’s simultaneously trying to terrify. But is it really sinister? I don’t know. I haven’t even seen a snake yet.

And where else but the bush would someone come and anonymously mow your grass while you’re out; flowers and all? Nothing sinister about that.

Keeper? I can’t pack up and leave yet – next week they’re showing Razorback, about a giant feral boar that terrorises city blow-ins. And there’s a guest Q&A with the local bloke who operated the snout.

DAY 142: Consulting the I Ching

20 Jan

NOTHING could be as fun as the Oracle, but I decide to give the I Ching a go, since it’s based around very sage, ancient wisdom, which is always handy in the absence of common sense.

It’s way too complicated to explain here (convenient), but basically you ask it an overwrought question and then either throw three normal coins, or the coins in a proper I Ching set, or even sticks. Once you’ve totted up your totals, you refer to specific passages in the Book of Changes.

My reading portrays a bird’s claw enclosing a young animal, according to Clare, who’s got an I Ching set by her bed for emergencies. It suggests both being protected and making a successful capture.

There are also mentions of ‘little pigs and fish, symbolising fertility’, although I don’t remember asking the I Ching’s opinion on that matter. Everyone’s got an opinion on that though, haven’t they? Then it starts telling me that I’m a horse that’s going to wander off (hopefully this has nothing to do with next week’s horse trekking task), and the message starts getting a bit diluted. My life is once more shrouded in mystery and confusion, the way I like it.

“There are really nice philosophies though,” I remark to Clare, giving the book a good flick through.

“Most if it,” she says. “Sometimes it tells you you’re going to cut your arm off.”

Keeper? Unsure. Next time I will test the I Ching with fiendishly difficult questions that I already know the answer to. Or if I don’t come back from horse trekking, you’ll know it’s spot on.

DAY 141: Baring my soul on a dunny wall

19 Jan

Oh, you can't quite make it out? Shame.

I HAVE scrawled stuff on a toilet wall before, naturally, but it was always limited to the words ‘Gaye Bykers on Acid’ – a band so universally hated (“they’re that shit it’s carved on the side of a mountain somewhere” some wag once declared to stoke my ire) that I felt it my duty as a fan to redress the balance.

Opening my heart and letting the blood flow freely through permanent marker? No, haven’t done that.

“Write the MOST romantic thing you can on a toilet wall” is the suggestion of Matt, whose less workable ideas (from a list of about 100) include: “Get your chainsaw licence (can arrange)”, “Spend a day with the Mafia (been a long time, but might still be able to arrange)”, “Spend a night in the lockup” and “Join the Young Liberals”.

I conscientiously decide to choose a joint where the walls are already defiled. I’m thwarted at first ― believe it or not, the walls of the Exford are unblemished ― but a quick phone call to a seasoned barfly tips me off to another joint in the city.

When I get there, though, I discover their loo walls are black, so I’m forced to take a pen to the bathroom mirror. I feel terrible about this prospect – and even more terrible that I go ahead and do it anyway. The owners were smiley, they went and made me one of the nicest drinks I’ve ever had, and then I go and scrawl my trite observation all over their décor. Despite the sentiment being enough to move the most hard-hearted bastard to tears, this defeats the point of my mission – of doing something I’ve never done before, but with good intent.* I might as well have joined the Young Liberals.

* I do have an Evil Intent list, but that’s just for my amusement.

 Keeper? No. Anyone know how to get marker off mirrors?

DAY 140: Fearing heights really bad

18 Jan

LOOK, there are some absolute corkers of adventures coming up, just not today. Today I am curing my acrophobia.

‘Acrophobic’. What a fitting term for someone who sways like a seven-day pisspot around acrobatic equipment – and only finds this out after they have booked in for a 12-week course. (See also: ‘Fuckstick’.)

Week one’s trial trapeze lesson was just pretty bad, which made me cocky enough to hand over my credit card details. Week two is really, really bad.

It starts halfway up the ladder and ends when I leap off the platform, at which point I’m kind of busy with other stuff. For the 10-minute bit in between I’m shaky, sick and smelling a bit ripe. Internal dialogue goes along the lines of: “You’re going to fall. You’re going to faint and fall. Or you might just fall. You could just get down. But on the way, you’ll fall. Why am I here? This is your fault.”

I try a bit of positive reinforcement: “Look how strongly you are climbing this incredibly unsafe, only-room-for-one-foot-at-a-time ladder, despite the fact that your grip is slick with sweat.”

“That’s it – now you are at the top you can simply hook one leg casually around the pole like you’re a chick in an Elvis Presley movie, and observe with interest how the other girls are doing. So long as they’re not anywhere below eye level.”

While the physical effects are real, I suspect I’m hamming it up Gary Oldman-style by clinging to the pole with such a dramatic expression. In some respect, phobia is a safety net – if you make it clear you have a problem, it’s okay to back out should you need to. To get around this I’ll use an ACT technique, whereby you give an unwanted train of thought a name, and then whenever it comes up, acknowledge: “Aha. This is the ‘Can’t Do It Because I’m a Special Case Story’.” Then you should give a bit of a wry chuckle.

I reckon the best bet is desensitisation though. For the next week I will stand atop things of increasing height, like this table.

Keeper? If these don’t work it’s exposure therapy: having a good plummet.

DAY 139: Finding north

17 Jan

“WHICH way does your house face?” Emerson asked as I bemoaned the constant extinguishing of my pilot light and why that might be.

I wracked my brain, trying to remember the real estate blurb, but couldn’t. “No idea,” I eventually admitted.

“Go outside and tell me where the sun is.”

“Wait … It’s in front of me.”

There was a slightly strangled silence on the other end of the phone. “Is your back actually to the house? I don’t want to find out you’ve just turned around to look at the sun and you’re telling me it’s in front of you.”

Eventually we established the lay of the land, but I do fail to see the bigger picture when it comes to directions – bigger than “left at the petrol station”, I mean. Emerson’s way of navigating by sticking his head out of the window and locating the Sirius or Etamin clusters (instead of reading road signs like the rest of us), seems like a pretty complicated way of working, so I’ve gone and bought a compass.

On getting it home I see it’s a fiendishly complicated one. You can do a magnetic Azimuth reading with the bits and pieces that flip off it, which kind of presumes that the owner will know what an Azimuth looks like if they happen across it in the woods. On a more basic level, you can shake up the compass like a snow globe and the needle will still end up pointing in the same direction, which I think has something to do with magnets, the North Pole and sorcery, but I can’t be any more specific than that.

If you ever see me out, though, scream: “WHERE’S NORTH?” and I’ll tell you.

Keeper? I don’t think I’m really master of the compass yet. Coming tomorrow: I find my finger and pull it out of my arse.

DAY 138: Training for a Chinese lion dance

16 Jan

I'm working up to this.

OUTSIDE the Chinese Youth Society of Melbourne clubhouse in eastern suburb Laburnum, barrel-chested patriarch Bill tests my biceps and gives a friendly snort. I’m here to train with his squad of lion dancers, who are gearing up for the Chinese New Year performance in Chinatown, but he seems to be implying I have a ways to go.

Inside, around 30 members dressed in muscle shirts and pants are leaning against walls and gasping. They’ve just been on a sprint around the neighbourhood in the searing hot sun, and the pain’s only just begun.

While they’re recovering, I have a nose around the clubhouse, which is decked out with banners, newspaper clippings about processions, and photos of footy teams through the decades, not to mention a stonking collection of traditional weaponry. The club’s been going since 1968, so almost everyone here’s grown up with it and can drop in and out. There’s no shortage of older souls to keep a rambunctious, lost young kid out of trouble.

Everyone present today is training to be a lion dancer, but separate troops who perform as dragon dancers and unicorn dancers also train here. There’s rarely any swapping of allegiances, much like you’re born into barracking for just one footy team. As well as the traditional performance for the Chinese New Year, the club might be paid to come out by a shop or restaurant that’s opening, to scare away evil spirits (hence also the banging of drums and letting off of firecrackers). It’s complex stuff and you really need to be comitted (Bill’s son Derrick even has the logo tattooed on him). You also need to be really, really, like really, fit.

Hung Kuen is the martial art of choice here, and the members practise it when they’re not focusing on a performance. Back in China the two principles are sometimes combined – rival lion dancer clubs will fight each other in the street, in costume.

After the push-ups, sit-ups and jumps, we work through the various stances needed to operate a lion: ‘horse’, ‘golden chicken leg’, ‘dragonfly touches water’. It’s all about keeping a centre of gravity to maintain balance on various limbs for aeons. My host, Huy, reckons I look more like a crane than a dragonfly, but given that he can’t stop yawning from “lack of oxygen to the head” and keeps surreptitiously balancing his leg on the gym equipment behind him, I don’t think I’ve got anything to worry about.

Then it’s outside into the blazing heat for a variety of hip-swivelling kicks. Everyone’s dripping with sweat, and personally, I look like I’m an inspector from the Ministry of Silly Walks

The 7kg lion heads are made of papier-mâché and bamboo, with a string operating eyelashes and ears. To animate the mouth you need to balance the head on your arms so that you have a hand free. As the performer’s sight is limited, clowns tumble alongside the lion so that their feet are always in the peripheral vision.

The drums start up and suddenly all the stances we’ve run through make sense, as the stronger members take up the costumes and run the motions into a fluid, thigh-punishing dance.

While the musicians practise their percussion outside, there are about six lions on the go in the clubhouse, including a pink and white one… for the ladies. Australian local Kate has risen through the ranks and is busting a gut leaping and crouching at the head of one lion, alongside considerably more muscle-bound guys.

The dance involves accepting an offering made by a shopkeeper or restaurant proprietor, giving it a good chew, then spitting it out. An offering might be a lettuce, orange, live eel, or – rather inconveniently for the dancers, who end up quite bloodied – live crab. Sometimes there’s beer, which gets sprayed around liberally. Whatever the offering, if you end up splattered with it, that’s really good luck.

There’s a ranking system here – one to three stripes, followed by a flower – and the three-stripers are concentrating on leaping atop platforms of varying heights, in a death-defying fashion. The tail performers lift the head dancers onto their legs and shoulders and they land by rolling together on the floor. It’s brutal stuff, and any misses – particularly involving steel platforms – will be remembered for weeks to come.

Huy and I decide to sit this part out. And next to the meat pie table and sausage sizzle seems as good a place as any to sit.

The CYSM crew in action.

Keeper? Verrry tempted to beg them to adopt me. And will definitely practise the ‘horse’ stance in the privacy of my own home.

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